If I Cloud Fly --- Short Story

After pages and pages of nonsense writing he finally saw what the problem was. He really fucked it up big time. There he was again, the center of the pool. Getting even farther from the ones he loved.

His parents weren’t fond of him, the girl he loved hated him, even his best friend repelled him. Just because he couldn’t get all his shit/this crap together. Not even the last time when he got to that “uh-oh moment”, when his boat crashed with the tip of the iceberg, not even in that then.

Now, he was sitting in front of a desk, watching time go by, wishing he could be again that charming man, the one he used to be. Not just that stupid asshole that, even in the best moments, kept the self-loathing. Where the fuck was that cheerful guy? He really missed him.

Meanwhile, in his imagination, he saw the good all days, laughing, flirting and fucking as a champ could do. These days, those things were in his mind, these days, he barley arrived home, had some dinner, looked through his email, tweets and Facebook messages, waiting for some words to help him, just a “everything’s gonna be alright”, “we are here to help you”, “I miss you”, “we can pass through this together”, some words with that effect, but nothing really happened. He was fucking alone this time.

The fact: he couldn’t stand those words. He didn’t know how to solve it. He tried. For god sake he really tried! And now, everything felt like shit. He felt as the biggest douche bag in the world. In those moments he could accept the blame for everything. Volcanoes, tornadoes, oil spills, everything.

At times he thought of trying it all over again, but nothing really happened, at least nothing good, the self-loathing continued, the arguing continued, the bad feelings kept on growing, hearts kept breaking, mistakes kept on being made. Just because he didn’t find the answer to all of these problems. At least that one problem, that was causing the others.

5 o’clock, announced his cell phone, it was time for leaving. He grabbed his things, turned off his PC, said goodbye to all of his workmates, walked trough the hallways, got to the entrance, waved to the guards at the reception. All of this had a strange feeling, like if it was an eternal adieu, not just from the work, but also from this world.

He walked to the elevators, and suddenly one arrived, it was going to the last floor, to the penthouse. Inside, a beautiful woman, the kind of chick everybody wants to bang, but nobody dares to talk. She seemed nice, and certainly smelled well, like strawberry or some kind of fruit, maybe peaches. They both smiled, talked for a little bit, they exchanged cell phones, and when the elevator stopped they said goodbye.

The guy walked to the balcony, lighted a smoked/cigar, slowly, carefully as if it was the last one, even though he had more than ten in the box/packet. He kept on glancing at the edge, as is some voice from another world called him and seduced him, inviting him to throw away himself from up there. A nice way to end that suffering, a nice but coward way to do it, but anyway, a good way to finish that pain in the ass that was causing for everyone, especially the ones that kept smiling in his mind.

He walked till he got to the edge, the view was amazing, he didn’t feel vertigo, and instead he felt as if he could fly, he felt free for an instant, some kind of new perspective. But something stopped him from doing that. Hi finished his smoke, walked backwards and he went back to the elevator, then he was going down.

Something happened to him, he did not feel the weight he was carrying from a long time ago, he was ready to do things right. He felt like a new man. A man who was ready to take down every problem in front of him.

He putted his earphones; he clicked on shuffle on his iPod, and began walking. He was fucking happy. He had never felt that happy before.

While he was in the road to get to his home, ironically his iPod shuffled the song to “Heart and Soul” from Joy Division. As he was hearing...

“Existence well what does it matter?
I exist on the best terms I can.
The past is now part of my future,
The present is well out of hand.”

A white light suddenly covered his vision. He even felt lighter, he felt again as if he was flying.

A car hit him while he was walking, he didn’t heard the car ‘cause of the earphones, and the driver was so distracted that it didn’t noticed him. Finally he was free of everything, no love, no harm, just another false alarm. At least he didn’t took the easy road, life lead him in that way.

The ones he believed hated him couldn’t stop crying for months, maybe years. Now they carried a weight even bigger than the one he used to carry. And they keep asking themselves what happened. Why they couldn’t help at all.